2/23/14
Happy Sunday, friends and neighbors!
Bill S. from Old Hickory asks:
Dear Athyrio;
What can they do about the plague of Snow Geese at Reelfoot Lake? I have an army of grandsons who live over there, but apparently they don't have a solution. Are Snow Geese good to eat? You got any recipes? I hear that there is no limit, and there are no gun or ammo restrictions on harvesting said geese.
Dear Bill;
This is a complicated battery of questions. But, since I know you, I will go ahead and answer it in detail. I'll start off with addressing the harvesting issue.
You'll need two 60mm mortar tubes, several mortar rockets, electric firing mechanism, 100 yards of thin cable, and a badminton net big enough to cover the playing surface of an NFL football field. You'll also need a crew of at least five men (or good stout boys who will do as they're told - maybe your grandsons). Two of the men will need shotguns, and a third will need a high-powered rifle.
Wire the mortar triggers to the electric firing mechanism. Take the road in toward the refuge fields at Walnut Log. Drive (or walk) out to the old bug house field. Position the two mortar tubes about 100 yards apart in an east-west line, and station one of the shotgun wielders next to each tube. Position the rifle man at the truck: he is your lookout. Since there is only one road, and since this is Walnut Log, one lookout should be sufficient
Stretch the cable between the mortar tubes, and tie it off to a long edge of the badminton net. Secure each end of the cable to the nose of a mortar rocket, and insert the rockets into the mortar tubes, tail end down. Otherwise, it won't work. The fourth and fifth men will be the mortar firing team. They are both to scan the skies, probably to the north. This will require some patience.
When the geese start milling around, they will fly in bunches. Your crew will be watching for big low flying bunches of geese that are traversing the area between the mortar tubes. If the one who doesn't have the firing switch sees them first, he needs to let the trigger man know that he needs to fire the mortars.
The mortars should launch simultaneously straight up, carrying the cable and the badminton net up with them. The geese will fly into and be trapped inside the net. This is when your shotgun men commence firing. The ones that are trapped will be easy targets. The ones that are free and unharmed will escape. When the shotgun shells are exhausted, just pull them from the net and wring their necks.
You should have about one pickup truck load of geese by now. If you want more, just repeat the process. When your lookout back at the truck gives the 'all clear', set up and fire again.
Now, about cooking recipes. Make sure the feathers and innards are removed. Otherwise, they won't taste right. You can A) roast them like you would a turkey or another kind of goose, B) fry them in a turkey fryer, or C) use Ma Fickle's old coot recipe. Roasting and frying recipes are available in abundance. Ma Fickle's coot recipe is as follows: Rub the bird with salt and pepper. Put a red clay brick into the hollow of the bird's carcass, and load it into a dutch oven. Place all of this into an oven, and heat to 250 degrees Fahrenheit. Leave all of this in the oven until the brick is soft. Throw away the coot, and eat the brick.
AJ
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For those who visit Reelfoot Lake from remote parts, call Jan or Randy Dyer at the Eagle's Nest Resort in Samburg, Tennessee. You can reach them through this web site http://www.eaglenestresort.com/ , and they will hook you up!
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Thursday, February 20, 2014
2/20/14
Our friend Ernie from down at the Co-Op writes:
Dear Athyrio;
I have this recurring inflamed rash surrounding my tender places. What do you recommend?
Dear Ernie;
Here's what you need to do. Wash the affected area with mild soap, warm water, and a soft cotton cloth. Dab it dry with a terry towel. Soak a batt of cotton in raw bleach, and wipe it over the rash. However, if you begin to feel a burning sensation, make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as possible. He (or she) might recommend a salve, and/or a vaccination, and/or antibiotics.
If the rash recurs, repeat the above steps with the additional follow-up course of action. QUIT DATING THAT WAITRESS AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE DOWN BY THE INTERSTATE.
AJ
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From Millie (who worships with us at our church):
Dear Athyrio;
Our daughter Susan wants to date a young man who has recently moved to Nashville. He expects to have a bright career as a banjo player. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear Millie;
Come by the house and get my shotgun. It's already loaded. We can only hope and pray that it's not too late. Poor, poor Susan. I've known her since she was born, and she doesn't deserve the fate of entangling herself with a banjo player. If she has her heart set on a musician, try to direct her toward a piano player. They are generally a more reasonable type. Continue firing the shotgun until such time as the banjo player permanently rids himself from the premises.
AJ
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From Charlie P.;
Dear Athyrio;
What will it take for me to make my wife happy?
Dear Charlie;
I have no idea. And if you find out what it is, you keep it to yourself.
AJ
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From Steve P.;
Dear Athyrio;
How can I keep the edge of my gardening shovel sharp?
Dear Steve;
First thing, make sure it's good and sharp. If you don't already know how to sharpen the edge of your shovel, I'll take you over to Floyd's, and he can show you how. Once sharp, there is only one way to keep it sharp - don't ever dig into the dirt with it. Hang it up, sharp edge up; and leave it there. Don't ever touch it again. I guarantee that it will stay sharp.
AJ
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From Jim D.;
Dear Athyrio;
I get mad as the devil when Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio. What should I do?
Dear Jim;
Pay close attention. This an extraordinary problem, and it requires an extraordinary solution. The next time you hear Rush Limbaugh's voice coming from your radio, turn it off and unplug it. Call the preacher, and tell him you have an emergency. If you can't get the preacher, call me (I am especially certified to handle this particular problem). When the preacher gets there, insist that he offer a prayer begging for repentance and mercy. After the prayer, dowse the radio with gasoline or some other chemical accelerant, then set it on fire. When it burns completely out, bury the ashes across your back fence in your neighbor's woods. Nothing else works for cases this extreme.
AJ
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If you have a question, feel free to inquire through this site. I am Athyrio Jones, and I have a broad range of expertise on a comprehensive range of subjects.
Our friend Ernie from down at the Co-Op writes:
Dear Athyrio;
I have this recurring inflamed rash surrounding my tender places. What do you recommend?
Dear Ernie;
Here's what you need to do. Wash the affected area with mild soap, warm water, and a soft cotton cloth. Dab it dry with a terry towel. Soak a batt of cotton in raw bleach, and wipe it over the rash. However, if you begin to feel a burning sensation, make an appointment to see your doctor as soon as possible. He (or she) might recommend a salve, and/or a vaccination, and/or antibiotics.
If the rash recurs, repeat the above steps with the additional follow-up course of action. QUIT DATING THAT WAITRESS AT THE WAFFLE HOUSE DOWN BY THE INTERSTATE.
AJ
-----
From Millie (who worships with us at our church):
Dear Athyrio;
Our daughter Susan wants to date a young man who has recently moved to Nashville. He expects to have a bright career as a banjo player. Do you have any suggestions?
Dear Millie;
Come by the house and get my shotgun. It's already loaded. We can only hope and pray that it's not too late. Poor, poor Susan. I've known her since she was born, and she doesn't deserve the fate of entangling herself with a banjo player. If she has her heart set on a musician, try to direct her toward a piano player. They are generally a more reasonable type. Continue firing the shotgun until such time as the banjo player permanently rids himself from the premises.
AJ
-----
From Charlie P.;
Dear Athyrio;
What will it take for me to make my wife happy?
Dear Charlie;
I have no idea. And if you find out what it is, you keep it to yourself.
AJ
-----
From Steve P.;
Dear Athyrio;
How can I keep the edge of my gardening shovel sharp?
Dear Steve;
First thing, make sure it's good and sharp. If you don't already know how to sharpen the edge of your shovel, I'll take you over to Floyd's, and he can show you how. Once sharp, there is only one way to keep it sharp - don't ever dig into the dirt with it. Hang it up, sharp edge up; and leave it there. Don't ever touch it again. I guarantee that it will stay sharp.
AJ
-----
From Jim D.;
Dear Athyrio;
I get mad as the devil when Rush Limbaugh comes on the radio. What should I do?
Dear Jim;
Pay close attention. This an extraordinary problem, and it requires an extraordinary solution. The next time you hear Rush Limbaugh's voice coming from your radio, turn it off and unplug it. Call the preacher, and tell him you have an emergency. If you can't get the preacher, call me (I am especially certified to handle this particular problem). When the preacher gets there, insist that he offer a prayer begging for repentance and mercy. After the prayer, dowse the radio with gasoline or some other chemical accelerant, then set it on fire. When it burns completely out, bury the ashes across your back fence in your neighbor's woods. Nothing else works for cases this extreme.
AJ
-----
If you have a question, feel free to inquire through this site. I am Athyrio Jones, and I have a broad range of expertise on a comprehensive range of subjects.
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
Ask better questions.
2/19/14
Greetings, friends & neighbors!
Today's counsel was sought by our friend Earline, who asks:
"My hip has been sore the past couple of days. If I stand real still, or if I put all my weight on my left leg, my left hip hurts like the devil. What can I do to ease my distress?"
This is what we in the industry call a 'softball question'. Thelma dear, your issue is of a multiple nature. Here's how you solve your immediate discomfort issues: don't stand real still, and don't put all your weight on your left leg. But what you really need is a long range solution.
Here's what you do: lose about 80 pounds. I guarantee that when you unload that suitcase of lard off of your rear end, your joints will celebrate with relief. Think about it - if you were bearing all of that weight you're carrying on MY left hip, it would hurt really bad. And I guarantee that Junior (her husband) will appreciate it!
AJ
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Our next question is from a farmer buddy of mine, John H., who asks:
"I have a 2007 Chevy 1/2-ton pick-up. If I put a 500 pound load in the back, the transmission slips when it's in first gear. How can I fix this without spending a fortune at the garage?"
I can't believe I got two softball questions in one day! John, you know better than to ask my advice on this issue, because I have been trying to guide you in the right direction for years. My answer, as always in cases such as yours, is to A) sell that pitiful Chevy for whatever some sucker will pay you for it, then B) buy a Ford F-150. When (and ONLY when) you take this step, 99% of your problems will disappear. Now I know that you (and lots of other folks) have some sort of irrational and sentimental attachment to Chevrolet products. Get over it, and buy the Blue Oval!
AJ
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As always, visit our friends at http://hurricane-camille.blogspot.com/ !
Greetings, friends & neighbors!
Today's counsel was sought by our friend Earline, who asks:
"My hip has been sore the past couple of days. If I stand real still, or if I put all my weight on my left leg, my left hip hurts like the devil. What can I do to ease my distress?"
This is what we in the industry call a 'softball question'. Thelma dear, your issue is of a multiple nature. Here's how you solve your immediate discomfort issues: don't stand real still, and don't put all your weight on your left leg. But what you really need is a long range solution.
Here's what you do: lose about 80 pounds. I guarantee that when you unload that suitcase of lard off of your rear end, your joints will celebrate with relief. Think about it - if you were bearing all of that weight you're carrying on MY left hip, it would hurt really bad. And I guarantee that Junior (her husband) will appreciate it!
AJ
-----
Our next question is from a farmer buddy of mine, John H., who asks:
"I have a 2007 Chevy 1/2-ton pick-up. If I put a 500 pound load in the back, the transmission slips when it's in first gear. How can I fix this without spending a fortune at the garage?"
I can't believe I got two softball questions in one day! John, you know better than to ask my advice on this issue, because I have been trying to guide you in the right direction for years. My answer, as always in cases such as yours, is to A) sell that pitiful Chevy for whatever some sucker will pay you for it, then B) buy a Ford F-150. When (and ONLY when) you take this step, 99% of your problems will disappear. Now I know that you (and lots of other folks) have some sort of irrational and sentimental attachment to Chevrolet products. Get over it, and buy the Blue Oval!
AJ
-----
As always, visit our friends at http://hurricane-camille.blogspot.com/ !
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